Home for the Holidays

So we are leaving Guangzhou in just 6 hours. Ben is napping and Tom ran to Shamian Island for one last thing we decided to buy.  We know our family and friends are anxiously awaiting our arrival, and we are SO EXCITED to see everyone, but so nervous at the same time.

1. Jet lag - 14 hour let lag was bad in Beijing for both of us.  I'll never forget waking up at 1am to Tom folding clothes because he could not sleep.  And when we did finally fall asleep, at random times in the beginning (5pm was my golden hour) our sleep was so deep, and so short. I remember thinking there was no way I could have gotten Ben right after we arrived in Beijing, we were a sleep mess.   All the adoptive families have been telling me that jet lag is worse coming home.

2. The holidays - We are so excited to be home for the holidays, but part of me wishes we were not.  We know our family has dreamed of us being home with Ben for Christmas, and no matter how much we are all prepared for the possibility that it may not be the Christmas we imagined, with Ben adjusting and being jet lagged too, I know everyone will be disappointed (us too) if things just aren't as picture perfect as everyone dreamed.  I think Tom is doing better at being realistic about it, I am just worried about hurting people's feelings.  This is the thing I am the most worried about!

3. More expectations- I know we talk about how great Ben in doing, and post lots of pictures of his happy face, but he is still having a hard time.  He sleeps a LOT, and gets overwhelmed easily. Sometimes he wake up from a deep sleep and will just cry and cry, and I know he is completely and totally confused as to where the heck he is and where his nanny is.   He is the happiest not when we are out doing "fun" things, but when we arrive back at our hotel room and he is just spending time with Mom and Dad, cuddling on our bed or walking around the room.  Now he will leave this place he has considered "home" to a NEW home, a new bed in the U.S., new food, etc.  He will wave to people but does NOT like people too close to him.  He will not let other people here hold him and we are very happy about that, it means he is learning to trust that Tom and I are his safe people.   He is still learning to trust us and understand that we are his mom and dad, not just 2 more loving nannies. Our social worker (and every book we have read) has advised us to not let anyone else hold him or feed him for a few months at the minimum.  We are extending that circle of trust to include his Babcia and Grandma, but that is it.  We do not want to let  anyone hold him unless Ben is OK with it so please be patient with us.

After 3 years of going to training sessions, counseling sessions and reading many books, we have learned that Ben's ability to build a rock solid attachment to Tom and I will impact his ability for the rest of his life to build trusting relationships with individuals, including make lasting friendships and even have a lasting marriage.  Ben has missed out on that first year with THIS mom cuddling, feeding and soothing him, so we are working to rewind time a bit and give him this undivided love from Tom and I only.  We know you are anxious to spend time with him, but please try to understand that you understanding how important it is for Ben to have this bond with Tom and I is how you can show Ben how much you really love him.

Again, please be patient with us and know that by the summer, when Ben is having a blast running everywhere and loving everyone, you can hold him all you want!!!

This is one of my favorite posts from an adoptive mom I love talking about the first year home after adopting:

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later

Completely unrelated to the post above, I have to share this beautiful picture from Ben's cousin Reagan:

Dear Ben,

I can't wait to meet you!!!! I even saved you a seat in my wagon!!!! See you soon!!!! 

Love, Reagan