One of my dear Polish adoptive families just announced that today is the year anniversary of the day their adoption was finalized in Poland.  It hit me like a truck because this family and we hoped that we would be in Poland for our second trips together.  Then it seemed like we may travel first, then November came and our life felt apart.

When I think of the early months of 2012 the only thing I feel is darkness. Emptiness. Silence.  While the world rushed passed us, we just mourned our lost Polish adoption, all while hanging on to a thread of hope that K. may be our son after all, and at the same time wishing he would not be removed from another placement, for his sake.  There were so many thoughts, so much grief, so much waiting and so few answers.   I was so numb.  The baby items in our home haunted us.

Would I have ever thought that in a short year I would be SO FULL of joy, that our life would be so full of promise and thanksgiving? It must be the way a woman feels after childbirth, somehow, all the pain, all the months of months of waiting for one thing or another were gone the moment we had Ben in our arms.  It was like nothing at all. No big deal. I would do it all over again in a second, all the loss, the deep, profound loss of K. to another family, the days when I thought I could not make it through without knowing if K. would be ours or not, the brutal waiting, I would do it all again knowing it has lead us here.

Another week gone already?

I can't believe how time is flying by, and that January is already almost gone.  The days and weeks home with Ben are passing by with a blink of the eye. This past week we skipped our first Gymboree class as to not pass on our cold, but by Friday we were indeed healthy for the "baby shower" at Tom's office.

It was really fun to celebrate Ben with this type of celebration, as all our baby showers were several years ago.  They had a really neat little party for us, with a DELICIOUS homemade cake decorated with a snake for "the year of the snake" and some great decorations including "Benjamin" confetti!  Of course, I remembered Ben but forgot the camera... but, it was really nice to meet so many wonderful people.  Tom has a pretty sweet work environment!

In addition to some fun bath toys we received a generous giftcard to Target. This was so perfect because in the past few weeks we have seen Ben quickly grow out of most of the toys we have for him.  At the Children's museum last week he fell in love with a play kitchen, so we ordered one for him yesterday from Target, as well as play food and a small children's table and chairs.

Ben also surprised us by expressing his desire for a future career in Cirque Du Soleil when I caught him doing this with a Christmas gift from his Babcia and Dziadzia (Tom's parents):

Last week we also took a trip to Buy Buy Baby to buy a shower gift for a friend as well as pick up new bottles for Ben.  In China, we tried to transition Ben to the bottles we brought, but he was having none of it.  The nipples of the two bottles were very different.  By the time we got to Guangzhou, we were operating only on the the bottle Ben's orphanage gave us, so when we saw a similar bottle at a local store, we bought it.  We have been operating on those two bottle ever since.  Well, even though we have to be off bottle by surgery time, I couldn't take another day of using Ben's very old special bottle that I am pretty sure was leaching out some type of plastic toxins-the shine was completely gone from the plastic and the numbers and pictures on the side were rubbing off with each wash. Unfortunately, I  am pretty sure we left our bottles in Zhengzhou by mistake, because when I was packing for our trip home, there were no bottles to be found.  So this week, we bought two more, and hilariously  Ben switched over to the new bottles without incident! I have packed away his sweet bottle from the orphanage, there was no way I could just throw that away. I know you are thinking, "Isn't 15 months old too old for a bottle anyway?" But in adoption world, feeding baby-style, like rocking in a rocker making eye contact while giving your toddler a bottle, is an awesome way to build attachment with your little person, as you focus on making all that important eye contact and deep gazing during this quiet time.  Ben LOVES his bottle time.

Old and New

On Saturday we had our family photos taken at Lincoln Park Conservatory by Holly Daly. http://hollydalyphotos.wordpress.com/ It was great to give business to a another mom, and it turned out that Holly was a social worker and worked for an adoption agency in the recent past.  Needless to say, we had plenty to talk about.  Pictures to come in about a week.  Ben was more interested in walking, walking, walking than posing, so whatever she got, I'll take!!

Today (Sunday) we discovered a package that came for Ben the evening prior from Grandma and Papa (my parents)- Ben was very excited!!!  My mom has been saying that Ben does not have enough toys, which I disagreed with at first, until every toy became more of a baby toy and he started spending more time with anything EXCEPT his toys:

Look at this!

Cookware for the future kitchen!!

He loves things with lids!!

Then he saw the dog!

Hitting his tea cups together in excitement when he sees the dog move, then he pulls it himself.

Lastly, I spent the time during Ben's naps this week working on this little "video" of Ben's adoption.  Watching the videos of our first days with Ben, I just can't believe how much he has changed in one short month and a few weeks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_xdLjYnLJ8&feature=youtu.be

 Our plans for this week include our gymboree class, homemade edible fingerpaint, making something similar to this: http://handsonaswegrow.com/toddler-activity-pipe-cleaner-sprinkles/, and who knows what else?

In the development area, Ben's fine motor skills continue to impress me (today he stacked 5 blocks on top of each other with out knocking them over!).  He is walking well, and also loving to "crawl" around like this on his feet and hands, which he finds HILARIOUS!

His large motor seems to be on track as well.  His speech is interesting, he definitely calls for me as "Mama" now, often repeatedly if I am out of the room. I am listening more carefully to his "babbles" because I find often he trying very hard to repeat exactly what I say, and is saying "dada", "yes", "milk", "bottle", "vacuum", "dog", "grr", "moo", "meew" and so much more. I am not focusing on correcting his language until after his palate surgery, as I don't want him to try to make too many sounds by compensating for his open palate.  As far as understanding what WE say, he blows my mind.  I am realizing he understands about 95% of what we say to him. In just ONE month, he has essentially picked up comprehension of an entire language. It is unbelievable.  A few months post surgery, we will sign up for an assessment from Early Intervention just to make sure we are on track with speech.

And best of all, we get these sweet smiles all day long!

Well, no posts because we really do not have much going on! Tom is not around to assist in photo taking, so we don't have as many pictures! We have been keeping busy, going to story time at our local toy store Play, continuing to introduce Ben to our friends, etc.

Our friend Sara made this sweet toy for Ben:

Ben and I went to brunch this weekend with our friends Kim, Sarah and Sarah's daughter Gigi- I learned that Ben will sit happily and enjoy his breakfast (2 pancakes, eggs and some yogurt) as long as there is a kid next to him and plenty of people to return his waves...

We also went to Chinatown for dinner, and learned that Ben really is more a go to out brunch kid.. needless to say, I ate dinner from the take out container once we got home....

We also went to the Children's Museum at Navy Pier to visit a friend we met at church who is leaving TOMORROW to bring their son home from China too!  We are so darn excited for them.

Needless to say, with all this action we eventually came down with mild colds, but are on the road to recovery. Good thing, because we are going to a baby shower at Tom's work on Friday, and Saturday we are having family pictures taken!

Enough talk, here are some pictures:

 This Nordstrom bag that his shoes came in is a current favorite toy. 

This kid LOVES oatmeal!!

 With his sucker from Chinatown

Third favorite toy- his mini Dyson.  Second favorite toy, the actual Dyson. Loves to vacuum.  We say goodnight to the vacuum at night..

And he's off!!

This Sunday we went to visit Tom's Babcia, and Ben surprised me by walking the length of her house without so much as a pause.  We then went to my parent's house, and he was just walking everywhere.  So it was not TOO much of a surprise today when Ben REALLY took off walking: 

And he was thrilled!

He just walked and laughed, laughed and babbled as around the flat he went...

And he's off!!

He finally took a break to explore the bathroom further...

including flushing the toilet repeatedly...sorry dad....

Also on January 14, 2012:

We went grocery shopping...

Why does my milk have to stay in the fridge?

And later on, we made homemade graham crackers!!!

That's it folks!!

One Month, Cleft Appointment, and "China cookies"

One Month 

Today Ben has been with us one month.  It's funny how much the same and different he is since our first week in Zhengzhou.  He is still funny, loves to laugh and make you laugh.  He still eats well and sleeps well.  He seems to be growing but I am not sure if it is just my imagination.

I don't even know when his obsession with his blanket started in China, but the 4 we have are so hard to keep clean (he often wants more than 1, and puts them in his mouth, even a few minutes after eating, so you can imagine...today he scowled at one when he realized there was food on it) I bought 4 more at Target that are similar, they are not his preferred but will serve as back up- this is when I showed them to him-

A few minutes later...

 

Things that have changed- he wants me to hold him All. The. Time. The little adventurer now wants to be even closer to me. Which mean- I hold him. All. The. Time. I was beginning to worry that it might slow his development a little (walking less) but I know it is more important that he and I be as physically close as much as possible.  Two days ago, I finally pulled out our carrier and put him in it because my arms were so sore I was worried I would drop him!  Voila!! He actually liked it and FELL ASLEEP in it two days in a row.


Other new things- he wants things, and throws a minor fit if he can't have them. Right now he loves light switches- so much that Tom made him this, and yes it really works:

 He definitely is babbling up a storm- the only words we have recognized is "Moo" (as in, the cow goes Moo) and he definitely calls me "Ma" but he also uses Ma for other random things.  He "rarrs" like a lion as well, and says "num, num." for food when we are getting dinner ready. We aren't pushing the talking too hard because it will all change after his cleft surgery.  Yes, the cleft surgery...

Cleft Appointment 

We saw Dr. Bruce Bauer on Wednesday for our cleft palate consult. I had my heart set on having it done at Lurie Children's, but after I read about Dr. Bauer we decided to have him do the repair.  Dr. Bauer had been the head of plastic surgery at Lurie (then Children's Memorial) until a few years ago.  Our meeting with him was pretty quick, he looked at Ben's palate, looked at his lip, and talked about a game plan.  He feels the surgery should be done as soon as possible, which we knew, so it does not impact Ben's speech too much.  In the U.S., cleft palate closures are usually done at one year of age, so we are not too far behind.  He will repair both the hard and soft palate at once, and will revise Ben's lip.  The lip repair that we all thought looked OK, Dr. Bauer called "pretty bad."  For good repairs, they wait a few years to do any cosmetic revisions, but for Ben, he said it makes sense to fix it now, because there is no question it needs revision, and the recovery for that surgery is similar- soft arm splints for a week, and a soft diet for a few weeks.  the good news is that the cleft in Ben's aveolar (the bone that holds your teeth) is surprisingly small compared to how wide Ben's cleft is.  I had noticed this too.  At some point, a bone from Ben's hip will be grafted into that spot. Dr. Bauer talked about doing it sooner (as in this year) because the cleft is so small, but I think we will cross that bridge when it comes.

We then saw Dr. Gerber for an ENT appointment, and as our pediatrician had suggested, Ben's ears are clear. This means no tubes in his ears!! We thought we were going to need tubes, because the cleft can cause fluid build up in the ear.  If we did, they would have done this during the surgery as well.  We then had Ben's hearing tested by an audiologist- it was kind of fun, Ben and I went into a sound proof room and she checked Ben's responses to various sounds. Hearing is perfect too!

So, the only thing left to do is set up the actual surgery, which I will do tomorrow.

China Cookies

Today we were out running a few errands when I decided to stop at the Korean grocery store near our house to see if they had the cookies Ben was in love with in China. I had never been there before, and when we went in, we definitely stood out like a sore thumb- EVERYONE was Korean, and almost everything  was written in Korean.  Ben chose this moment to have a small meltdown (not his fault, it was near naptime) and demand everything he saw.  First we put oranges in the cart at his insistence (but he was right, we were out of them at home).  Then I took him out of the cart while he pushed it while I was holding him.  I wanted to say to him, "Stay inconspicuous buddy, we already look like we don't belong.." By the time we got to the noodle aisle we only had oranges and I was worried there would be no cookies, so I threw a few packs of noodles in the cart.  Ben meanwhile, was screeching for seaweed... I actually am not sure if the somewhat familiar labels had anything to do with him acting out kind of wildly, at least for him.  Finally we found the cookie aisle, and there they were!!!

Three bags, in the cart! We also grabbed some vegetable pot stickers that ended up tasting identical to the pot stickers in  Zhengzhou.  By the time we got to the check out, Ben had his cookie and was happily waving to everyone like he was royalty.

Putting away the stuff we bought, I had to laugh at myself because everything else for Ben is organic, whole grain, pasture raised, etc. but I also buy cookies that  do not even have an ingredients list I can read!! This goes right along with the 2 bottles we use because Ben had them in China. I have no idea if they are BPA free, and one is so old (the one the orphanage gave us) I really worry about it, but I cannot bring myself to take it away from him. As my dad would say, "it's good enough!"

First Day as Two!

Well, Ben and I had a fun day today.  We woke up, got dressed, had breakfast (Ben prefers his dad's eggs to mine).  Then, we used crayons for the first time.  We both colored. Ben liked to put the crayons back in the box, and take them out again.  Ben tried to eat the crayons while mom was not looking:

Also, we took the soda bottles we had been saving and washed them out and filled them up with different colored water.  I have been looking for fun toddler activities.  There should be a book called "101 Objects for your Toddler to put in and take out of 101 Different Objects"  because that is a LOT of what we do.  We had been keeping the empty bottles in a paper bag, so we spent a lot of time putting the bottle fulls of colored water in and out of the bag.  Then mom found a plastic bin that worked better, and we did it some more.

Then, I scratched Ben's face.

I was going to pick him up, he moved, I didn't, next thing I knew I could feel my fingernail scratching his face.  He cried. I cried.  There is nothing like accidentally hurting your child to make you feel like the Worst Mom Ever. It is a small (1/4") surface scratch that is one of those cuts that will scab more than you expect (I think).  I put baby Neosporen on it twice today.  He lovely, perfect face, scratched by mom.  The second Tom came home I handed him Ben and went and cut my fingernails down to stubs.

When Tom came home, we had plans to drop off my car to be detailed (we had a YouSwoop coupon). I was so unnerved by the afternoon's events, Ben and I left in one car with no YouSwoop coupon (that had the address of where we going) and no cell phone.  So 10 minutes down the road, I had to turn around, go back home 10 minutes, take Ben (sleeping) out of the car (probably for the best because it was too late to nap) go in the house, get my phone and coupon, call Tom to tell him why were not right behind him, and go pick him up.  Shesh.  Ben was not happy about getting in car a second time, I sang and danced in my seat like a nut case to Ben's Laura Doherty "Kids in the City" CD.  "Let's go to the farmer's market, fresh fruit to eat.."  Still working on my Best Mom Ever.

In other news, Ben is trying to walk distance like crazy.  Yesterday he really took off.  He was SO HAPPY that he could carry his blankets (Blanks) and walk distance at the same time:

Big Changes Come Monday

Well, Monday is the big day- Tom goes back to work! I am nervous but excited to get into a new routine. My FMLA is not up until the end of February.  I met another first time mom who adopted her son just a few weeks before us. She posted this on her blog recently: http://youwereborninourhearts.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-month-home.html  and I had to laugh because, well, I can relate!! Even when you KNOW things will be different with kids, and you actually hope and pray for it, when you actually lose all the time you had to yourself, it is pretty earth shattering.  I went from having hours a day to myself to having a precious 30 minutes to an hour.  My life is BEN, and I love it but miss my own time too. I am hoping when Tom goes back to work, we can develop a bit of a predictable routine that will make us both happy. Yesterday we had some friends over, but it continues to amaze me that we were all together, but just chasing or focusing on our own kids instead of actually talking.  I am ready for a mom's night out!!  Friday we had our first post-adoption visit with our social worker which was uneventful, and Friday afternoon we went to the pediatrician for two shots and blood work.  I was expecting so much worse, but those nurses have it down, and even though Ben cried a bit (blood from BOTH arms people!) and it broke my heart because I had never hear him cry so hard, it honestly was still not as bad as I thought.

At the same time, Ben continues to overwhelm us with our love for him.  Saturday evening Tom and I were both cleaning up the kitchen, with Ben at our feet, and he stood up and made a game of walking back and forth from Tom's legs to my legs, hugging them and babbling happily before going to the next.  I could not even continue what I was doing, I just stood there waiting for another hug of my legs...

Ripping napkins is F-U-N!!!  I am starting to look like a big kid as my hair grows in!!

Ben's 100 Wishes Quilt

I committed back in October to putting together a Bai Jie Bei (100 Good Wishes) quilt for Ben.  It seemed like a big project, and one you couldn't start and not finish, but I went for it anyway. 

Here is what a Bai Jia Bei is:

To welcome and celebrate a new life, there is a tradition in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei, or "100 Wishes Quilt."  It is a custom to invite 100 people to contribute a single square of patch of cloth.  The 100 patches are sewn together into a quilt that contains good wishes and prayers from all the families and friends who contributed a piece of fabric. 

The China adoption community has jumped on this tradition and has added a special component. When you contribute a 6x6 100% cotton square, you write the wish on index card, attach a scrap of the fabric (so the child will know when he/she is older which piece is fabric is from you) and give the family both the fabric square and the wish card. All the wishes are put together in a 100 wishes scrap book. 

Here is a website dedicated to a quilt: http://www.3ds100wishesquilt.blogspot.com/

I am not sure how popular these are in China, but they are popular in the adoption community, and really should be a new trend for all babies, because I think it is just the sweetest thing.  

I started off slow with wishes from a quilt swap with an online group of families all adopting from China in 2012/2013.  Then I asked a few friends who happened to be over at our house to do a square for Ben, and emailed a few other close friends and Tom's and my family. Then, when we were in China, my mom went on a quilt square campaign to her family and friends, and when we returned home from China, our mail was full of not only Christmas cards, but quilt squares too!  It was so awesome to open each one and read warm wishes to Ben.  Tonight (up past 10 p.m. I can't believe it!!) I started getting organized and have mounted most of the squares to paper.  I felt like I had 100, but it looks like we only have just over 50.  Luckily there is no deadline on the project!!

If you are interested in giving Ben a wish and quilt square, we would (humbly) love it!  

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year!! Tom and I decided we would do the same thing we have done for the past 2 years- dinner alone at Buona Terra, our local, excellent, Italian restaurant.  Except this year we were a party of 3, and we ate at 6:30 p.m. Ben was good, he is used to restaurants after China.   All the same, eating out isn't as relaxing as it used to be, constantly anticipating what Ben is going to want/do to prevent any meltdowns..maybe next year we will carry out! 

January 2 was a big day for me- it was the first day I stayed up past 9 p.m. since we came home from China.  No lie.  I have been so, so exhausted, and keep on waking up at 3 a.m. and staying in a state of wakefulness, checking the monitor every 30 minutes.  It has been so hard to break the cycle, but today, my friends, I'm thinking about staying up until 10 p.m. 

Happy New Year!!

One of the few little kids I have seen that actually likes to wear things on his head- he put this on himself!

Day 3 in China with Ben- he screamed bloody murder at the sight of the tub, and it took 2 days to coax him into the sink...

Home...He tries to get into the tub with all his clothes on...

I have to drain the tub to get him out....

So things are starting to get into a temporary normal.  We have our first play date tomorrow, and plans to have a few of our friends over this weekend.  Slowly we plan to make our way through having everyone come by to meet Ben.   I miss our friends so much, it is hard to see people going on with their lives, hanging out, meeting up, while we stay home, which is for the best, but can be lonely. It is hard to get on the phone when Ben is awake :) because he wants to talk on it, and I miss talking with my friends, even for 15 minutes. 

It is a temporary normal, Tom will go back to work on Monday, so things will change a bit.  We see Ben's surgeon on Wednesday who will schedule his palate surgery, which will be an intense 2-3 weeks at our house.  Ben is starting to enjoy feeding himself, just in time for him to be unable to feed himself for a time post-surgery..what can you do?  And eventually, my leave from work will be up. 

It is strange, living in a state of trying to build a routine, only to know it will all change. I am sure many new moms feel exactly the same way.   I don't mind change but will admit it makes me anxious, and I roll thoughts and concepts around in my head ad naseum. Luckily they only torture me!!  We'll see what the future months brings, but for now you can see we are enjoying ourselves. 

I have to add, Tom both put Ben down for his nap, and to bed, on January 1!! He is a stellar dad.  Today he and Ben stayed home while I went to the ophthalmologist and the post office. It was the first time I had left him since the day after we came home, and when he saw me walk in the door, he literally squealed with happiness. Tom said, "Honey, I think he's attached."   :)