Falling in Love

I haven't shared our earliest picture of Ben!! This is from the notice placed in the paper that a baby had been found.  We weren't sure at first, but it looks like the spot is an ink stain.  Though the paper is from January, it looks from this picture that he is just a few weeks old.  How I long to hold that little baby Ben too!

Life is finally starting to get into a kind of routine, we are finally figuring out how long Ben sleeps at night (10 hours) when he prefers to nap (right now we are on 2 short naps). If I could sum up how Tom and I have felt since having Ben, it is probably this:

In China: Excited, happy, nervous, busy parents

Once home: Exhausted, happy, jet lagged, nervous, busy parents

One week home: A routine is building, the realization is setting in- we really are a forever family

In the beginning, jet lag was awful.  When Ben would finally fall asleep, I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief and attempt to get done the to do list building in my head all day- sleep, shower, pay bills, schedule appointments, email, text or call back so and so, etc.

Now finally, as we settle in, Ben falls asleep in my arms and I just think to myself, "Not so soon!  Lay here in my arms a few minutes longer..."  And I cannot help but spend some time with my sleeping angel, rocking him in my arms.   Watching him fall in love with ME has been so incredible.  A glance into my eyes has turned into deep, penetrating gazes.  Instead of two hands on his bottle, one holds on while the other plays with the edge of my sweater, tangles itself in my hair, or touches my face.  Oh my love.

When he is playing with his toys, sometimes I cannot help myself to call his name to see him turn to me, and to watch as a broad smile fills his face.  Oh my love.

As he sleeps now, I walked into the kitchen to get something to eat, and see the pots and pans strewn all over the floor, a reminder of  making breakfast this morning with this little child pulling pots and pans out of the cabinet.  His sweet smiles and laughs fill my mind and I am completely overcome.  Who has sent me this child? Where did he come from? How, how could I have received this extraordinary blessing? This child who laughs and sings and smiles and coos, with his sparkling eyes that can be both sweet and mischievous.   Adopted children don't come from a lily pad from heaven, they are real people with a past, a life before you, but somehow I feel like God has handed him directly to me, like he was sent to fill every hole in my heart I never knew I had, I just want to say, "what have a DONE to deserve this gift?" Surely this angel was meant for another, and he WAS, his birth mother.  My heart aches for her, I know no woman gives up her child without leaving a permanent chasm in her heart.  Someday, whether on earth or heaven, she will meet him and know him. But today, I will be his.

A jet lag day

I love puffs!!

I thought we were co-sleeping?!

When planning to be a parent, you have Big Dreams of what kind of parent you will be. You will Make Your Own Baby Food.  You will not Cry It Out.  You will Read 5 Books to Your Child Each Day. You will not be the parent pushing a screaming child through Target.  You will not be the parent whose child throws waffles on the floor at brunch. 

After many years watching other people's kids, I had adopted the "different strokes for different folks"  mentality. As long as you are loving your kids, the rest doesn't seem to matter too much.  Many of our friends have had children in the past 2 years, and I have watched as they have chosen cloth diapers or disposable, breast feeding or formula, baby carriers or no carrier, daycare, nanny or a parent staying at home, and the only thing all these people share is that they are all good parents that love their kids.

Soo.. there are many things you are supposed to do differently when you adopt. In essence, no matter how old they are, you are supposed to try to reverse time and treat your 1 year old, 5 year old, even 10 year old, like they are a newborn baby.   You should cater to their every need.  Hold them as much as possible.  Touch them and look deep into their eyes, waiting over time to give them the courage to be able to stare deep into yours.  The list goes on and on, and there are a number of methods to achieve these goals.  One suggestion is to co-sleep to help build those deep bonds missed out during the infant stage when baby is glued to mom. 

Co-sleep, of course!! We Will Co-Sleep.  Tom was worried about squishing Ben, I assured him he would not, after all, our two little dogs had lived sleeping on the bottom of the bed for 4 years, had they not?   Our first hotel room in Zhengzhou had 2 double beds.  I slept with Ben in one bed, and Tom slept in the other.  Our second hotel room in Guangzhou had a king bed, and we all slept together.  

Once home, we all tried to get a good night's sleep in our queen bed, but there just did not seem to be enough room.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing, afraid that Ben was squished and could not breathe. I began to worry that with the jet lag one of us would indeed squish him.  Ben moves like an acrobat in the bed, and I would wake up in a panic when I found his head near our feet.  Our bed was much higher than any hotel bed, and there was wood floor, not carpet.  On top of it all, I kept feeling like because we had so little room, we were waking Ben up when we moved.  If not, he would wake up, see us, and start to cry immediately because he wanted us.  No one was sleeping.  

The fourth night home, we were up at midnight watching a webinar by Adoption Learning Partners called "Are you Sleeping?" (ironic, I know) given by our international adoption doctor in Seattle, Dr. Julian Davies.  Our social worker had recommended we watch it before we leave, probably assuming we would otherwise be watching it at midnight one night. While the jet lag was a big part of the issue that night, I needed answers to my concerns about co-sleeping.  It turned out, there was no definitive research that co-sleeping directly correlated to successful attachment once home. Things not do included things like cry it out and other sleep training related techniques that include not being responsive to your kid's cries or requests. His recommendation? "Co-sleep if you want."  It was like that webinar was speaking right to me!!

After a few days, I decided to lay Ben down in his crib in his room to sleep (keep in mind, our flat is only 1300 square feet, so the distance between his room and ours is about 8 steps) and to my surprise, he slept for 3 hours.  A few days later, I laid him in his crib for the night, then spent about half the night watching him sleep from the video monitor that I have 12 inches from my face in our room, and watching to make sure he did not do anything to self-sooth himself that was out of the ordinary  like rocking himself or hitting his head against the wall.  But no, he slept soundly and after several hours he stirred a bit, but immediately grabbed for his blanket and laid back down.  Another time he babbled quietly to his two stuffed animals, sat up, then laid back down.  He was acting to me like a typical little kid learning to sleep through the night. When at 4 a.m. he started to cry, I jumped out of bed and scooped him up and soothed him. 

Today, Tom said to me, "So, are we going to move his crib into our room or get a co-sleeper to put next to the bed?" I answered him, "You know, I think we should just let him sleep in his crib.  He's doing so well." To which Tom said, "I THOUGHT we were Co-Sleeping.  Co-Sleeping is the Right Thing To Do. We have talked about co-sleeping for months!"  I had to smile because Tom is not used to my changing my thoughts and opinions about things, but I think this will be the first of many times when Big Dreams of Parenting are replaced by reality. 

Ben has had a cough since December 13.  It was his only symptom-no fever, no runny nose, and it was not terrible at that, so we had just been keeping an eye on it.  It seemed to be better during our last days in China, but then Christmas Day it was suddenly worse. Ben had not been himself that day either or since, he doesn't want to play and just wants to be held and cuddled. The day after we made an appointment to see the pediatrician.

We have appointments to see an international adoption doctor in a few weeks at the University of Chicago, but we hadn't yet specifically picked a pediatrician.  We called our doctor's office, which is part of a large health system, and they got us an appointment at a pediatrician in Glenview. We figured it would be a one time visit to this specific doctor, as it was just a few days after Christmas and all offices were probably scraping the barrel with staffing.  But oh my, we met Dr. Canel and I think we are sold.  Though we were just in for the cough, he spent 20 minutes with us going through everything related to Ben's health-plan's for our University of Chicago visit, Ben's current eating, drinking, sleeping, etc.  It felt great to spend some time with a doctor making sure we are on track after being home just a few days.  In the end, Ben's lungs were clear, his ears were clear, but he had some serious build up in his nose and inflammation his throat.  It looks like it is probably a sinus infection and the cough is all from post nasal drip.

So we now have antibiotics, a cool mist humidifier, and saline to squirt in his little nose, so hopefully we are on the mend.

It is funny feeling like you have a new baby and and a toddler all at once. To us, Ben is like a 2 week old. We obsess like brand new parents, but he isn't a brand new life.  On Christmas Day, I got a little weepy because I knew he didn't feel good, and Tom noted that he had been surprised since we adopted Ben how anxious and unsure I had been about caring for him, considering I have been around kids forever.  But without question there is something about having to be the ultimate decision maker for a life that makes you feel like everything you were sure of is suddenly not 100% anymore!

Thanks Grandma for this seal-now if I can just get it out of the packaging...

Fireman!! Thanks Aunt Molly and Uncle Ryan!

Best gift-this empty gift bag, of course!

Before we left for China, we had heard about the pollution, but didn't think much of it because we were a little more focused on getting our son. Beijing is ranked #1 globally for poor air quality, and Guangzhou is #8.  For some reason though, Zhengzhou seemed the worst to me. When we walked into our hotel room, it smelled of smoke (no surprise in China).  We opened the windows and cleared out the smell, but it still didn't smell right to me.  Tom was ready to request a room transfer but I went out in the hallway and went down to the lobby, walked around, came back to our room, and them realized- it was just the air everywhere.  It stuck in your throat and burned your nostrils.  When I blew my nose after a few days in Zhengzhou, it was bloody.

There is speculation that many of the special needs in China are caused by pollutants in the air, water and soil.  After being in Zhengzhou, I remembered the story of the children of the coal in Shanxi.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QijM72iwSs

"In China's Shanxi province the rate of children born with congenital defects is six times the national average. With many of these infants abandoned, a remarkable figure has embarked on a heartbreaking mission.

Kong Zhenlan's 31 adopted children were all born with defects and abandoned by their poverty-stricken parents in an area devastated by coal pollution. "When I started claiming for these children's rights, the officials would insult me." The tiny but indomitable 'Mama Kong' stood up to the bullying for the sake of her constantly growing brood. "They tried to intimidate me to make me give up. They don't dare anymore." For over 20 years she has fought for identity cards, operations to fix their deformities and a place at school for each child. Mama Kong's work may be a drop in the ocean, but thanks to her this small group of youngsters now have the rare chance of a normal life."

Merry Christmas!!

First off, congratulations to the Weyers family who just got word that they are traveling back to Poland to adopt their third child, a sibling of their two children-best Christmas news I heard!!

We had a great Christmas Eve and a LONG but great Christmas Day-  our little guy is pretty tuckered out but we are glad our families had a little opportunity to see him and we had a chance to see them.  Ben got his own Christmas blessing from our pastor and we had a chance to introduce him to a few special people at church.  We are looking forward to spending some time at home for the next few days and getting into a routine.... first order of business-off to make pancakes for breakfast!!

Letting Go of Normal

I wrote this post while in China but inadvertently deleted it, but it has been such a big piece of adopting, I can't not mention it.

When we were in Guangzhou, we were in the hotel playroom when two families from another agency joined us.  Both families were adopting 2 children at once- 4 girls all together, all under 3.  There was one girl  who Tom and I both fell in love with- she made us all laugh the most, she just exuded this complete joy and happiness,and she also happened to have Downs Syndrome.

People have thought we were nuts for adopting a child whose family we had no idea about. When trying to adopt our little boy from Poland, our international doctor had warned us of risks for our son based on his background information.  And at first, I was scared. But then, we did what all adoptive parents who are successful do- we let of "normal".

Will Ben's minor special need impact him as he grows up? We'll have several surgeries, one or two major, but we are thinking at this point that he will grow up to live a pretty uneventful life related to his cleft.  But no matter what you plan for, biological or adopted, you never know what life with bring your way.

"O come, all thee faithful."

I remember our plane ride over to Poland for our first trip.  I was so, so afraid.  I was afraid we had been mislead, I was afraid our little boy was different than we had been told.  When had been told stories by other people to make us contemplate this possibility. I remember turning to Tom during the plane ride and saying to him, "but no matter what, we are bringing K. home right?"  And K. was perfect, but not our son, he was already a son to another.  But forever, I had taken my "normal" balloon, and let it go up in the sky.  I was seeking my child, perfect in the Lord's eyes.

"Glory to God, Glory in the highest."

In that playroom, watching that sweet girl, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by these families. They, and so many others, had taken their "normal" balloons and let them go.  And they were so, so rewarded.  If you said "downs syndrome" you would never know this sweet girl Katie.  When you share adoption, you share the fact that you have floated that balloon up in the sky.  And the best part is, once that balloon is gone, you realize it never meant anything at all.  You still have all the balloons that matter- perfect, beloved, forever.

I have been following this family's story for the past year.  Some people may think they are crazy, but they seem like one of the most beautiful families I have had the opportunity to read about:

http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/50288556

I don't know what the future holds for our family, but I hope we can continue to be aware of the gifts we have to give and the little ones who wait for families, and the indescribable joy of knowing them forever.  

We are HOME!

What can I say about the 14 hour flight?  Ben only slept 4 hours, but he was great, as usual!! He hardly fussed at all, and did not out and out cry.  In the beginning, he was fascinated with the headphones and listening to music:

When the plane landed, both Tom and I began to hold back the tears.  People started asking about Ben as we were waiting to get off the plane (probably because he was waving to everybody around us), and when they found out he was about to become a U.S. citizen and had just landed on U.S. soil for the first time in his life, everyone around us was congratulating us and him and he was enjoying it, including blowing kisses to the woman next to us.  As we waited in the immigration line, I felt like all eyes were on us and was so moved that just this random group of strangers were so happy for us.  We were sent to a certain immigration officer who was also so kind (tough burly looking guy, I would have never expected it), going on and on about what a miracle adoption is and how Ben is going to do great things in his life...it was surreal, all these beautiful people around us.

Tom and I took a second and looked at each other before we stepped through the doors to meet our family.  It was a like another new beginning for the three of us.

Cousins waiting

His cousin offers her pacifier as a peace offering-did not work :)

Tom's family

Kara's family

When we pulled up at our house, I looked up at the front window and said to Tom, "there is a Christmas tree in our window."  My parents surprised us by getting a real Christmas tree and decorating it with lights and a paperchain Ellie and my mom had made the weekend before.  I LOVE Christmas and having a tree, so this makes me SO happy!! There was also a Fischer Price Nativity scene under the tree for Ben-

My mom and I were out shopping after Christmas two or three years ago when we saw these cute people ornaments.  I thought they were too expensive, but my mom picked out a woman, man and baby, bought them and said she would give them to me when we had our first child. Neither of us knew it would take so long, and each following Christmas I thought about those ornaments, wondered to myself if she still had them.  There were only three ornaments on our tree:

My mom and Tom's mom made us some food, and my girl friends- all who have their own stuff going on- filled our freezer with frozen meals, including congee (thanks Sara).  My friend Sarah, who I know organized the freezer stuffing, also showed up at the airport with Puffs, which was the only thing Ben wanted anything to do with!!

Soooo...it has been a day and a few hours, and we are doing OK.  Our sleep is a little nuts, and with the exception of Ben waking up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night, sleep is OK- we have been co-sleeping, but he napped in his crib today for 3 hours with no problem.  He took a second nap with mom and George on the couch while watching Calliou on T.V., and I thought he would be up late tonight, but at 7:30 p.m. he completely melted down, and fell asleep in just minutes. 

He is eating great, we are continuing to figure out what he likes (Chinese fried noodles, I made some today and he clapped his hands at them) and doesn't like (orange juice, but he loves oranges). 

He is doing great with our two little dogs, he finds them interesting and they are interested in his food.  

Our flat looks like a complete war zone, with toys, baby clothes, mail, and half unpacked luggage everywhere, but we are trying to focus on Ben, the house can wait-just nobody come over just yet :) 

This morning he woke up a bit early at 5:30 a.m., so we let Tom sleep and had breakfast, took a bath and got dressed,  then I was actually able to leave the house today(!) while Tom played with Ben and a second time while Ben napped.

Best thing to have at my feet while cooking him scrambled eggs (another thing he loves).

 Most people know I can be a little high strung (as I stare at the baby monitor between sentences to make sure Ben is breathing) so it felt so nice to put it all in Tom's capable hands and run to Target, Gap and Buy Buy Baby.  We also got the pictures back from the cameras we mailed to the orphanage  but that is for another post! I can't believe Christmas starts tomorrow, knock on wood Ben makes it through 2 long days! More than anything, I just can't wait to stand at Christmas Mass with my little boy in my arms. 

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

We made to Hong Kong-barely I feel like!  Our 4 hour van ride was CRAZY.  The driver was like a Chicago cabbie times 100.  Once we entered the Hong Kong, the driver had 2 Gps system and a paper map all out.  He did not speak English well and we didn't want to be rude, but in my head I was thinking, "You still don't know where we are staying after you received the destination weeks ago? You are looking at everything expect the road with all these INSANE drivers?"  I don't get car sick, but I was thinking about it. After hour 3 Ben had about had it, and was just moaning and crying and only staying entertained for short intervals.  I let him take off his shoes and socks, and by the time we showed up at our hotel in Hong Kong, called us disheveled would be putting it kindly.  We ordered salads from room service and "peas and mashed potatoes" (a kid menu item) for Ben. Ben LOVED both peas and the mashed potatoes, two things he has never had with us.  He laughed after he had a third bite. Then we all did our best to sleep, now we are up early and ready to leave for the airport in just a couple hours.  We can't wait to step into this new chapter of our life, home in the U.S. with our beautiful little boy.

No toys? No problem, I will play with the slippers and shoe tray.

Home for the Holidays

So we are leaving Guangzhou in just 6 hours. Ben is napping and Tom ran to Shamian Island for one last thing we decided to buy.  We know our family and friends are anxiously awaiting our arrival, and we are SO EXCITED to see everyone, but so nervous at the same time.

1. Jet lag - 14 hour let lag was bad in Beijing for both of us.  I'll never forget waking up at 1am to Tom folding clothes because he could not sleep.  And when we did finally fall asleep, at random times in the beginning (5pm was my golden hour) our sleep was so deep, and so short. I remember thinking there was no way I could have gotten Ben right after we arrived in Beijing, we were a sleep mess.   All the adoptive families have been telling me that jet lag is worse coming home.

2. The holidays - We are so excited to be home for the holidays, but part of me wishes we were not.  We know our family has dreamed of us being home with Ben for Christmas, and no matter how much we are all prepared for the possibility that it may not be the Christmas we imagined, with Ben adjusting and being jet lagged too, I know everyone will be disappointed (us too) if things just aren't as picture perfect as everyone dreamed.  I think Tom is doing better at being realistic about it, I am just worried about hurting people's feelings.  This is the thing I am the most worried about!

3. More expectations- I know we talk about how great Ben in doing, and post lots of pictures of his happy face, but he is still having a hard time.  He sleeps a LOT, and gets overwhelmed easily. Sometimes he wake up from a deep sleep and will just cry and cry, and I know he is completely and totally confused as to where the heck he is and where his nanny is.   He is the happiest not when we are out doing "fun" things, but when we arrive back at our hotel room and he is just spending time with Mom and Dad, cuddling on our bed or walking around the room.  Now he will leave this place he has considered "home" to a NEW home, a new bed in the U.S., new food, etc.  He will wave to people but does NOT like people too close to him.  He will not let other people here hold him and we are very happy about that, it means he is learning to trust that Tom and I are his safe people.   He is still learning to trust us and understand that we are his mom and dad, not just 2 more loving nannies. Our social worker (and every book we have read) has advised us to not let anyone else hold him or feed him for a few months at the minimum.  We are extending that circle of trust to include his Babcia and Grandma, but that is it.  We do not want to let  anyone hold him unless Ben is OK with it so please be patient with us.

After 3 years of going to training sessions, counseling sessions and reading many books, we have learned that Ben's ability to build a rock solid attachment to Tom and I will impact his ability for the rest of his life to build trusting relationships with individuals, including make lasting friendships and even have a lasting marriage.  Ben has missed out on that first year with THIS mom cuddling, feeding and soothing him, so we are working to rewind time a bit and give him this undivided love from Tom and I only.  We know you are anxious to spend time with him, but please try to understand that you understanding how important it is for Ben to have this bond with Tom and I is how you can show Ben how much you really love him.

Again, please be patient with us and know that by the summer, when Ben is having a blast running everywhere and loving everyone, you can hold him all you want!!!

This is one of my favorite posts from an adoptive mom I love talking about the first year home after adopting:

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later

Completely unrelated to the post above, I have to share this beautiful picture from Ben's cousin Reagan:

Dear Ben,

I can't wait to meet you!!!! I even saved you a seat in my wagon!!!! See you soon!!!! 

Love, Reagan

A video from 12-12

This video is from when we had Ben just 2 days- I hope you can hear his laughing over mine- I can't believe how much more steady he is now when standing.

Ben's Few Steps

Leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow

Today was our appointment at the U.S. Consulate.  There are no photos as cameras were not allowed.  I became emotional during the appointment (which was essentially a group appointment with each of taking a turn at a little window to confirm paperwork).  The Consulate appointment date is what determines when you leave for China.  I had waited to long for that last step in the waiting process, to get our appointment, and suddenly THERE WE WERE at the U.S. Consulate.

It was quick, first someone gave a brief speech about what each document was, and about applying for the kids' social security card, then we all took an oath together indicating that all information provided was true, then each family was called to the window and that was it.

In related news, Ben LOVES his dad.  Dad has Ben all figured out, and they love to laugh and play together.  At the Consulate, while waiting for the van to pick us up, Tom and Ben rode up and down the escalator over and over.  Tom would point me out to Ben, and from far away I would wave, and Ben would wave back and laugh and laugh.  Ben longer cries or fusses when I hand him to Tom, and this afternoon I laid down for a minute and Tom and Ben went to the executive lounge by themselves and had coffee (Tom) and bananas (both).  I am glad Tom can see what I always knew- he is such a good dad and Ben just adores him! The final step will be Tom changing a poopy diaper...but we're waiting to get home to jump that last hurdle!!

We will need to break the habit of napping with a bottle eventually...

 Wait, I can't stand up in here...

I am definitely happiest when Mom and Dad are playing with me.

Not too much going on here...

I wish I had something exciting to say, but it has been pretty uneventful here.  Yesterday we laid low.  Ben's normal amount of drooling due to teething turned into "the drool machine" as we dubbed it.  He was drooling SO much (I have never seen anything like it, and I have met a lot of drooly babies in my life) I actually e-mailed our international adoption pediatrician after Ben literally puked because of it. (Sorry TMI!). Dr. Bledsoe assured us that if he was otherwise fine, it was normal, especially with his unrepaired cleft palate.  Her now 16 year old son had a cleft palate, and she joked that she worried her son was becoming dehydrated with all the drool.  Today it seems to have slowed, thank goodness.

Ben LOVES these rice cookies.  We bought some after our guide said they were popular here, and if Ben even sees the package they come in, he goes nuts:

(There is a smile behind that cookie)

He also likes to look at the pictures we brought of him.

His outfit looked a little bit like a farmer, but when I added the pig it sealed the picture.

Today we went to the pearl market, which was an indoor mall 6 stories full of pearls and other jewelry, some real, some fake.  Our guide took us to a reputable dealer.  After you picked your pearls, the salespeople actually hand knotted the whole necklace.  It was pretty neat. 

After the shop, our group separated, we walked outside near where the pearl market was, and walked through an outdoor market, followed by what looked like the China equivalent of an outdoor mall:

We then took a cab over to a shop we had been to earlier in the week to get a few more gifts for people, and went back to the hotel to get ready for our group photos.  I always thought the pictures of the kids in Chinese silks were a little cheesy (as Tom said, if roles were reversed, do you think this would be Chinese people dressing American kids in cowboy outfits?) but all the families we talked to were dressing up their kids, so...

This was Ben sleeping 10 minutes before we were supposed to be in the lobby...

This is our entire CCAI group. The three families we were with in Henan are in back row there in the hat, the yellow silk, and the red silk.

Here are the kids that were adopted during this trip to China. These pictures just make me want to cry and laugh and dance and sing.  It has been so amazing to witness the adoptions of all these beautiful children. The families we have met are all just awesome.

Ben and his friend Annie.

Ben did great during the photos but melted down when we finished and I would not let him crawl on the lobby floor.  I love this picture because  as my mom ALWAYS tells me, my face never lies!  IT IS TIME TO GO BACK TO OUR HOTEL ROOM. 

Tomorrow morning is our appointment at the U.S. Consulate where we will take an oath and submit the papers we need to enter the U.S. Our papers should be ready on Friday, and we will leave Friday by van to drive 4 hours to Hong Kong. We'll leave Hong Kong the following morning for the U.S.

We had dinner with our Henan families, and one of the moms said, "Beijing feels like a lifetime ago."  And we all nodded in agreement.  Has it been 2 weeks or 2 years?  That stoic baby has changed so much.  WE have changed so much.  We have witnessed extraordinary adoptions, a country and a people so different from ours. My son's life has turned completely upside down.  I have spoken to him from the beginning as if he completely understood me, but at times I remind myself that he had only heard "blah, blah blah" and not the familiar words he knows. Yet, he has pulled through.  I am so grateful, because my mom heart is not yet strong and just a few minutes of his tears breaks my heart.  Luo Min Yong, Xiao Yong, Benjamin Min Yong Chlebek, may you only know safety and love all the days of your life.