"Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

One of my dear Polish adoptive families just announced that today is the year anniversary of the day their adoption was finalized in Poland.  It hit me like a truck because this family and we hoped that we would be in Poland for our second trips together.  Then it seemed like we may travel first, then November came and our life felt apart.

When I think of the early months of 2012 the only thing I feel is darkness. Emptiness. Silence.  While the world rushed passed us, we just mourned our lost Polish adoption, all while hanging on to a thread of hope that K. may be our son after all, and at the same time wishing he would not be removed from another placement, for his sake.  There were so many thoughts, so much grief, so much waiting and so few answers.   I was so numb.  The baby items in our home haunted us.

Would I have ever thought that in a short year I would be SO FULL of joy, that our life would be so full of promise and thanksgiving? It must be the way a woman feels after childbirth, somehow, all the pain, all the months of months of waiting for one thing or another were gone the moment we had Ben in our arms.  It was like nothing at all. No big deal. I would do it all over again in a second, all the loss, the deep, profound loss of K. to another family, the days when I thought I could not make it through without knowing if K. would be ours or not, the brutal waiting, I would do it all again knowing it has lead us here.